We approach March as of today, meaning we’re officially the third month into the year of 2021. It seems pretty no big deal because honestly, what can really happen in two months? It’s neither short nor long. However, I’ve made some really startling decisions that have, not only changed the course of my life, but also my perspective towards things. My focus in this piece is going to be about a very recent decision that I’ve made — my resignation.
Which is crazy.
After being called to the Bar in early September 2020, I took a bold leap and dived into the world of marketing in the following month. At my company, I hold two positions: digital and outdoor media marketing executive. Just to briefly explain my lengthy job scope for those who don’t know: I advise and strategize outdoor advertising plans for clients, I also do digital marketing to promote my company and its services. Sometimes, I write out ideas as a form of content marketing.
What led to my drastic change of career is my curiosity to explore my potentials. I am never one to settle for things that was planned out for me. While I do enjoy law and social justice (which I still do), I’ve always wondered what else I can do and how far I can go. I thought if I’m blessed enough to possess youth and minimal commitments on my side, then what’s stopping me to step out of my comfort zone? Sounds cringey, but it’s true. Besides, given the entire legal industry was at limbo last year due to the pandemic, I thought it was perfect timing for me to expand my learning curve. I simply do not see the rush to pursue a legal career, seeing it will always be a part of me no matter where I go. I’m not worried about failing because I know law will become the trampoline to my fall (if it ever comes to that).
Of course, my decision was initially met with negative responses from my parents. Most of my close friends understand. Some of them wasn’t even the least bit of surprise because they agreed, “Well, this is something Clarris would do.” However, I don’t know why I was afraid to tell the world about this, albeit it was my choice. I figured I’m too tired of explaining myself to people who simply couldn’t understand and presumed, “Oh, what a waste you’ve ‘given up’ on law”, or some comments similarly along those lines. It really grinds my gears because I did not ‘give up’ on law, nor will I ever do. It took me quite a while to accept the change as I gradually turned confident.
I’m half a year into the marketing career, and oh boy, was I fascinated. Long story short, I quite like my job and the challenges entailed. I expected marketing to be an entirely different terrain compared to the legal field, but I wasn’t expecting the competitiveness. I was put into situations that I’ve never dealt before and I was pushed to pick up things quickly because I had to do things that I’ve never done before. Given my personality, I love a good challenge. Besides, I love doing things that involve brewing my creative juice, so I enjoy copywriting and making content.
Reading up to this point, you probably can sense there’s a ‘but’ in between the lines. Well, you’re not wrong.
Two weeks into my new job, I quickly found the positive impression that I originally had of my company to fall apart. Before I state anything, I’m putting a little disclaimer here that everything I’m about to say of this company is solely my personal opinion. I’m not dissing it. Alright, now here goes. The company is successful at building a façade of high team spirit and affirmative company values. But behind the ‘words of appreciation towards employees’ and ‘motivational quotes’, comes with ‘expectations to devote and commit’ and ‘very results-focused’. They don’t evaluate on your performance, but how much money you can make for the company. It’s a very twisted ‘do or die’ culture. You have to sort of like pay a price to work, where in fact, normally you go to work just because you need a fucking salary to live your life. In my beliefs, I want to do my job to make something out of my potentials and enjoy the process, not because I want to give back to the organization. The company is also like your ex-partner who gaslights you: if you do something wrong, they’re so quick to blame you for failing and make you feel so guilty about it. But when you’re right, they downplay it or somehow make it about themselves, like “Oh, you succeed because you played along the company’s script. We thank you but you also gotta thank us.”
It’s not for the weak-hearted because you’re going to lose sleep and cry.
What I don’t get is that, they keep parroting to us about the company mission, vision and values, yet I’m unconvinced because I don’t see the superiors cultivating them. I saw something on Twitter the other day that best explains this situation: “Company culture is not written down, it’s acted out. A company’s culture is a 50-day moving average of how it is, not how it thinks it is, wants to be, or was supposed to be.”
I 100% agree the quote.
When I said I’m not dissing the company, believe me I am not. Because I do understand their perspectives and why things are what they seem to be. I also understand there are two sides to a mirror. Everyone expects and wants different things out of what they do to achieve satisfaction. At first, I thought I could adapt and pretend like these wouldn’t affect me. I could just separate my professional and personal lives. But it got to the point where I just couldn’t pretend anymore because my dissatisfaction towards the company has taken out the fun element of my job scope. Hence, I decided to pull myself out of the equation because I realize I value freedom, a healthy space and a great mentorship to hone me. Some say it’s too ideal but I truly believe there’s a place out there for a person like me. I just have yet to find it.
When I tendered my resignation, it felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest. My heart had felt constricted until I did the deed. And if you’re wondering how my superiors responded, let’s just say they hadn’t been nice and said some pretty hurtful words, some I’m pretty sure I would carry with me to my graveyard, but fear not, I’m not going to let their words affect me. As for what’s going to happen next, I have no idea yet to be honest, but I do have some directions in mind, which shall be another story of mine to tell. I do not regret the 6 months, because I wouldn’t have known what I have known now and even grow so sure of myself, if not for the experience there. Using that time, I’ve bought a lot of things that money can’t buy. At least that’s how I see it.
They promised us the time of our lives once we hit the above 20 age, but look where we are? I do not consider myself entirely financially stable. I’m still confused as fuck. I have tonnes of concerns about my life, family, career and even relationships. I’m sure you can relate when I said it’s normal to not have everything figured it out when we’re in our twenties. So I guess what I’m trying to say here is that, it’s okay to quit something that have been pulling you back, instead of uplifting you. If you want a change, then don’t be afraid to pursue it. There will only be two ways out of a certain decision, either you succeed or you fail. It’s 50/50. If you’re scared of failure, then you’ll never get to taste success. You’ll never know the answers, if you don’t go out and seek them.
For me, I definitely cannot live with that — not knowing.
